Thursday, August 4, 2011

Facebook Post Hell


There have been countless articles about Facebook posts that are annoying and over the top.  In fact, I may have posted about this once before, but I feel like no one is learning and I again need to go over a few that really do annoy me.  As I previously thought or mentioned, I really only care about hilarious things that have happened to you, other people’s misfortunes, or pictures you are posting of me.  Mildly acceptable are vacation photos of yourself that you are posting, because as I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, seeing you traipsing through Asia on an Elephant while your monkey tour guide feeds you bananas really does pass the time and helps me imagine myself doing the same one day.  Also, I travel a lot, and I post pictures of myself that I am hoping make everyone jealous.

Among the many atrocities that occur on Facebook every second, there are a few that really irk me.  Here goes:

Taking Pictures of Food:  Listen, I love tacos. I really do. Mmm tacos! But just because you made tacos doesn't mean you have to take a picture and Facebook about it. Unless you are planning on sending me said tacos, I really don't care. And for that matter, it's not that hard to make tacos. I believe Helen Keller even made tacos once. Don’t quote me on that, but I’m going to say she did. And now I am hungry. Thanks a lot.

Over sharing about your child: In my early 20’s, I have to admit, I hated kids. What a nuisance!  Then, my sisters began procreating, and I started liking kids … but only the ones who were related to me.  Recently, as I near 30 and all my friends are getting married, I realize that kids are soon to be an inevitable part of all my friends’ lives.  But I really do not need to know that your baby has had horrible diarrhea lately, or that they have stopped breast feeding from you and that makes you sad. (Yes, those are legit status messages I have seen on my news feed.)  And guess what, most people don’t want to know that either.  And to those of you who DO care, I believe I stopped breast feeding in April of 1983.  Please contact Judy Miller to confirm.  I know your life is complete now. Congrats.  (Acceptable forms of kid sharing – hilarious adorable pictures of them dressed up in ridiculous costumes or if they have some insane Mozart like talent and begin composing and playing music at age 3.)

I have exciting news … But you are going to have to wait:  Have you seen these people?  They write things that allude to some sort of great thing that happened in their lives, or they are super excited about something coming up, but won’t tell you what it is.  These people are fishing for comments.  Look, I knew you in 7th grade and you somehow became one of my friends on Facebook.  I probably haven’t spoken to you in 15 years and I will probably never speak to you in person ever again. While I do love stalking people and knowing what they are up to, playing these games where you try to entice me to guess what event you are secretly keeping from your entire Facebook list is just dumb.  Just tell me. I probably don’t care that you got a new mattress or that the fertilizer you started using to help make your begonias grow is working so well you have begonias for all your neighbors.  But I care even less when you drag it out like a bad mini-series.

I am sure there are more and I am sure a lot of people get annoyed with my constant Facebook posts about how awesome and cute I am, or how I was bitch slapped in my own hotel room while on a business trip in Chattanooga in 2006, but at least they make people laugh.  And hopefully, they make you want my life (or be happy that you DON’T have my life – which I presume is the more likely version). Discuss.

4 comments:

  1. The slapped in the hotel in Chattanooga will go down in Media History!!! You're a fool!!!

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  2. I'm laughing so hard thinking about the slap story, classic. Where's the like button for your blog/post??

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  3. I'm searching for a "Hellen Keller Makes Tacos" picture as we speak...

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  4. I believe you facebooked a picture of cheese dip once? Either way, totally agree. And Chattanooga story is amazing!!!

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