Bathroom Etiquette

I have been thinking about this for quite some time. I think it’s because I drink an obscene amount of water every day and have the bladder, which I assume is, the size of a grain of rice and I spend a lot of time peeing. Classy, eh? Anyway, there are a couple of things that I would like to discuss on how you should act and appropriate behavior when you are in the bathroom.

Flush the Toilet: You’d think this was a no brainer. Who doesn’t flush the toilet? We aren’t toddlers anymore and we should know better, right? Wrong. You would be surprised how many times I belly up to a urinal and the person before me hasn’t flushed. What is wrong with you? Do you know how gross stale urine smells? If you don’t, let me tell you. It smells bad. People will tell me they don’t flush the toilet because the handle has so many germs on it. Hi, you know how you solve that problem. You wash your hands, with soap, after you pee. Magically, the germs go away. So please, do not leave your yellow treat for the person who comes in after you. It’s uncouth.

Don’t Talk to Me: I really cannot stand when people talk to me in the bathroom. No quality conversation can happen when you are in the bathroom. It’s just not the place for it. You are partially exposed and you are releasing impurities from your body and some homeboy wants to chat with you?  “Hey man, what’s going on?” is a typical question you get when standing at a urinal. “Uhh, peeing” is my typical response. I know some people talk and try to avoid the awkwardness, but trust me, it just makes it more awkward so please don’t converse with me.

Don’t Spit Your Gum in the Toilet: You would be appalled, ladies, to see how many guys spit their gum in the urinal. What kind of jackass are you? You do realize, that your gum doesn’t flush down the urinal and some poor janitor as to physically put his hand in your stale pee (I am assuming you are the same jerk who isn’t flushing the toilet) to clean it out. I mean, is it that hard to spit your gum into the trash can 2 feet away? The one thing I can hope is that maybe all of these are accidents. I cannot tell you one man I have not seen out of the corner of my eye who doesn’t spit into the urinal before they pee. I think it’s part of our DNA.

There are so many other tragedies that occur in the bathroom and I really don’t want to go into all of them, but these 3 really irk me. Please prove that you are an adult and at least follow rules 1 and 3. Otherwise you are just a gross weirdo.